gaysexistheanswer: hungarian: someone in class asked me for my tumblr & i took her phone & told her i followed myself on her account but i actually followed gaysexistheanswer thank you
me: whoa it sure is late, time to go to be-
me: is that a 30,000 word fanfic
if i ever met a genie i wouldnt wish for a million dollars id wish that whenever i bought something i’d always have the right amount of money to pay for it in my pocket you are one of the great thinkers of our time Then you’d look at a house and be like “oh damn I wanna live there” and millions of dollars would be in your pockets, crushing and killing you instantly thats why you have to...
iwillfucknepeta: pimpeta-slap: mrv4n1ll4m1lksh4k3: pimpeta-slap: Who came up with kissing? Seriously? Did 2 people one day accidentally bash heads together and went like, “Oh… That was nice” *violently bashes head together again* “This should be a thing” kissing is a method of exchanging saliva (and thus DNA) to determine whether or not you would want to reproduce with that person ...
bandbutts: If masturbating while stoned isn’t called weed whacking I don’t know how to live my life anymore
dean-tacos-cas: spookapple: jackvessalius: look what we have here i have legitimately never laughed harder and for as long in my entire life
janehayes: if you ever feel awkward just remember that during my spanish oral a levels exam i walked up to the podium and did my introduction in french
rabioheab: earlier this year 2 boys got expelled from my school for going on a teachers email and sending another teacher an email that says “you’re a disgusting little man” and i laugh about it all the time because imagine opening an email from your coworker and thinking it’s important and then it says that
Maybe if your dick was thicker than your goddamn eyebrows we wouldn’t be having...– Gay couple arguing outside Walmart (via dacelio)
clever-one-word-url: GUYS MY 10 YEAR OLD BROTHER WAS JUST TELLING BE ABOUT HOW HE KNOWS EVERY GUY’S CRUSH IN HIS CLASS AND H KEEPS TRACK OF IT SO THAT IF A GUY GETS A NEW CRUSH HE GOES AND CALLS THE GIRL AND LETS HER KNOW. HE LITERALLY USED THE PHRASE “I’M IN THE BUSINESS”. GUYS MY BROTHER IS A 5TH GRADE PIMP
thewonderlessyears: thewonderlessyears: the girl sitting next to me in class is wearing the same shirt as me in a different colour and we keep awkwardly looking at each other like do I say something or just sit here help i said ‘nice shirt’ and she said ‘better than yours’ i’m done
royal-high: a kid from my school just got expelled today for pretending to be russian for 8 months. he pretended he couldn’t read, write or talk english he did good in all his classes because he had all the teachers and principles convinced he just moved from russia, so they didn’t make him do any work
mATH HOMEWORK??? THE BIBLE SAID ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM BOUGHT 60 WATERMELONS
goddammitfenton: if you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember this one time in my english class, we were writing horror stories and one of the girls wrote “it was friday the 13th, the night before halloween” for her opening sentence
poorchrysalis: i hate when ur out of the loop and miss everything important. what do u mean they hooked up. what do u mean u have a boyfriend. what do u mean someone shot archduke ferdinand
teapayne: Bob is like one of the most stereotypical names but how many bobs do you actually know
lookslikeazipper: Right so im walking home and I see this guy rolling a cigarette under a streetlamp and when he clicked his lighter THE FUCKING STREETLIGHT WENT OUT I stopped in my tracks and stared at this guy who looks up at me then to his lighter and hes as surprised as me then he takes his thumb off the trigger and THE STREETLIGHT TURNS BACK ON HE GAVE THE MOST SURPRISED LOOK OF ANYONE...
frigdeandindy: astudyinwho: as i was walking home this group of eight year olds thought it would be funny if they all gave me the finger as i approached so i turned around and said “i’m telling your parents you did that” and they all simultaneously burst into tears and begged me not to tell on them. im not ashamed to say it was the highlight of adult life. oh my god I misread this as...
rnackenzie: how am i gonna become an adult i dont even know how to make a signature
forevereagle18: yaygocats: discomplete: “i want to wear shorts because it’s hot but i really hate my legs” an autobiography “I want to wear shorts but i didnt shave” the sequel. “i want to wear shorts but i’m cold” 3d
peetasboxers: peetasboxers: peetasboxers: peetasboxers: A COP JUST CAME TO MY HOUSE AND TOLD US WE NEEDED TO EVACUATE AND MY DAD WAS LIKE NO SO THE COP WAS JUST LIKE WHATEVER AND WALKED BACK TO HIS POLICE CAR AND AS WE WAS WALKING AWAY MY DAD WHISPERED “YOLO” DAD I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS A HURRICANE WE CANT JUST SURVIVE WITH “OUR MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SWAG” i wonder if my dad...
poutyowl: i am perfectly fine with having other people sit on my lap but i can’t sit on other people’s laps because i’m always paranoid that i’d crush them and they’d diE
legolast: my friend just accidentally called our math teacher “honey” and he replied “yes dear”
smilingwiththebeatles: chain-of-prospit: themarilives: i hate the saying “apples and oranges” when describing things that are completely different because they are both fruits you should say something like “giraffes and crystal meth” idk giraffes and crystal meth arent that different they both can get people pretty high holy jesus
thelandoffakebelieve: Technically any zoo is a petting zoo if youre not a pussy
4chanofficial: 4chanofficial: what did the cowboy say when he fell “help i’ve fallen and i cant giddy up”
1612th: in like 5th grade my whole family was driving home from some trip and i was listening to “kids with guns” by the gorillaz on my ipod and it made me feel really rebellious because i was a kid and according to that song kids have guns so when we drove into the garage my dad was like “ok we’re home” and i said “shut up dad” and he just looked at me for a long time and didn’t say anything...
thediagonallie: when I was in high school my AP english teacher told us we weren’t allowed to eat in class so I took that as a personal challenge to see what the most ridiculous thing I could eat in class without getting caught was so I started bringing soup to class and as soon as I’d crack the lid of my thermos the tiniest bit this football player that sat like 3 rows in front of me would...
elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey: mynameisfour: adriofthedead: imagine your OTP cornering you in a dark alley and beating the shit out of you at least they would be together tumblr in a nutshell
togamivevo: in third grade this kid got in trouble for saying “be free my niggas” when we released the butterflies
sermisty: fosterthepeoplejunkster: john-watson-is-sherlocked: asherlockian: pernillo: thenocturnalcouchpotato: fosterthepeoplejunkster: lypo: lypo: got a family of 4 in my house :)X my husband died, just me n the kids :(X ”we’re not calling him dad.” i am legitimately interested in this story every other weekend, he has his kid, from a previous marriage, over. we...
drdavidbrinner: drdavidbrinner: Today in gym class we were doing major climbing and halfway up this girl freezes and goes “I CAN’T DO IT I CAN’T DO IT” so some dude yells “MY AUNT SAID DAT AT HER WEDDIN’ BUT SHE MARRIED DAT FINE-ASS DOCTOR AND NOW SHE RICH AS HELL” the girl did it. truly inspiring. I should add that it was a shrimpy 5’1 Indian boy nobody had ever heard talk before who was...
espeonchan: it’s been 2013 for almost half a year what the FUCK
mynameisentirelyigbo: sadistic-tampon: themano: Pika I JUSFT HIT KMY HEAD OF THE DOOR I THOUGHT THIDS WOUDL BE A CUTE STOP MOTION ANIMATION WITH A PIKACHU AND A CAT OH MY GFOD Pikaaaa… Pikaaa… bitch
Convo between my 7year-old students today
Josie: I have a new crusshhhhh
Matt: Me too! On a boy!
Pearl: You're a boy with a crush on a boy?
Matt: Yeah he's really cute.
(pause for a bit)
Matt: Boys can like boys. I just can't marry him because boys can't marry boys.
Me: Yeah they can. You can marry whoever you want.
Josie: YEAH my tia has a wife so now I have a titi and a auntie.
Matt: Okay. Then maybe I'll marry him.
Dave: (from across the room) No you can't you're seven.
(Age was apparently the only foreseeable problem anyone of my elementary schoolers could see with gay marriage.)
thereisnothingicantbe: My dad treats Easter like its the fucking Olympics. He gets this sick enjoyment from watching us trying to find our baskets that literally could be ANYWHERE. Last year mine was suspended in air inside our fireplace. 2 years ago my brother had to scale the side of a tree to get his basket down. THIS ISN’T THE GODDAMN TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT DAD JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING PEEPS.
dat-patriot: i-love-my-fandoms: wearesorryfortheinconvenience: simfected: wearesorryfortheinconvenience: today i said to my friend “i haven’t had a go-gurt in a really long time” AND HE LOOKED REALLY LOST?? AND I EXPLAINED TO HIM WHAT A GO-GURT WAS AND HE SAID “OH IN CANADA WE CALL THOSE TUBES” TUBE S BUT ITS YOGURT ON THE GO CANADA IM SO S ICK OF UR SHIT …we call them frubes in...
agentbartowski: A girl came into class today crying because she met Beyonce this morning. Our teacher told her to go home and gave her an excused absence.
221bismydivision: i haven’t had my first kiss yet but thanks to fanfic i at least know how to give a blowjob
louis-vuittoff: YESTERDAY I WENT TO MY FRIENDS HOUSE WEARING MY HORSE MASK AND WALKED INTO HER ROOM TO SCARE HER BUT SHE WAS LAYING ON HER BED MAKING OUT WITH HER FIANCÉ AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO I JUST STARTED NEIGHING IN THE DOORWAY
nefertiti-is-my-division: its-tuesday-again: sometimes i think i might be bi but then i’d rather climb a mountain than go in a cave, you feel me ‘cause you can see everything on a mountain but you never know what’s lurking in a cave are you implying that any given vagina may or may not contain a bear